Interview with Begoña Ibarrola prior to her workshop in the Childhood and Beyond series at Caxton College in Valencia

The title of your workshop is intriguing: "Can we teach ways for families to be happy?". For parents who associate happiness with something that "happens" or is "given" to their children, what exactly does it mean to you to consider it something that can be learnt?

For me, happiness is a state of inner harmony and fulfilment, a personal attitude towards life, and a way of living and feeling that colours our entire existence. Over the years, allies and enemies emerge—people, situations, places, things—that either help or hinder that state, but no one can give it to us, nor take it away. That is why it can be taught; I believe the best gift we can give our children are the tools, in the form of values, that will help them achieve it in their own lives.

You often say that "there is no better act of altruism than being well yourself". Do you think it is possible to teach our children to be happy if we, as parents, are exhausted or stressed? 

Of course, you must first look after yourselves to be able to give the best of yourselves to your children. This involves seeking ways to recharge, both physically and emotionally, recognising what you need to be well, and dedicating time to yourselves. When a person is well, they emanate wellbeing; when unwell, they emanate malaise—this is obvious. But as adults responsible for your family’s wellbeing, firstly you must know yourselves well and understand what you need at any given time.

As a school, we are very interested in the family-school partnership. How can the school support the teaching of happiness that families begin at home? 

By providing clear and honest guidelines on what works and what does not. This is what I aim to provide in my workshop to avoid widespread misconceptions that often have the opposite effect. I will give an example to make this clear. We know that overprotection harms our children; removing stones from their path helps them temporarily, but not in the long run. Yet I often hear parents say they do not want their child to feel frustrated or sad, and that they will have time for that when they’re older. This is a huge mistake: children must be taught from a very young age to manage their frustration. They have to learn how to jump over the stones, not become accustomed to having them removed from their path.

In your books, you mention that joy is contagious, but sometimes parents fall into the trap of the "How was school?" interrogation. How would you suggest families develop a positive communication dynamic so that children want to share their inner world with us without feeling judged?

You can ask them what the best and worst moments of their day were. This helps them realise that every day has fantastic moments to remember, as well as others we might not like, but perhaps couldn't avoid. Listening empathically and attentively to their emotions, without judgement, helps them feel understood, ensuring that communication continues to flow as they get older. What’s more, if they share their inner world with you, they will also like to find out about yours. So, after they have told you about those two moments, tell them yours; they will love it.