What Kind of Parent Are You?

We interviewed the social emotional educator Cristina Gutiérrez Lestón regarding her participation in the Childhood and Beyond Conferences that Caxton College organises every year for families and teachers to learn about innovative educational methods that they can put into practice with young children and pupils.

1.  In your experience, what are the main mistakes parents make when trying to protect their children?

The biggest mistake I usually see is overprotection, because when we overprotect, what we're actually doing is disempowering them. Children end up believing they cannot manage without their parents' constant help. This leads to a lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, and a feeling of being useless, particularly when children reach Secondary education.

2.  How can parents achieve a balance between protecting their children and allowing them to face new challenges?

First, by trusting them – they are much stronger, more creative, and more intelligent than we often think. The second step is not doing anything for them that they can do themselves. Every time you pack their bag, fasten their coat, or make their snack, ask yourself: "Can my child do this?" If the answer is "yes, they can," encourage them to do it. And if it can be turned into a game or challenge, even better, because that makes it more fun. For example, “I bet you can't pack your bag in 45 seconds!” “Do you think you can make the best sandwich in the world?” “Do you think you can manage to fasten your coat by yourself?” And of course, congratulate them when they succeed!

3.  What signs indicate that a child is ready to take on more responsibilities and make decisions for themselves?

Education is a game of opportunities. If we don't give children the option or chance to do things on their own, make mistakes and learn from them, we will turn them into dependent individuals: they will be dependent on their parents when they're young, and on their friends when they reach adolescence. If their friends are kind, it might work out, but if they're not, it will be terrifying. When you look at your child, shift your focus. Instead of seeing all their weaknesses and what you think they can't do, focus on their strengths and what they can do. This will give you the strength and courage to educate, but it will also give them the ability to grow. Let's play and give them opportunities! 

4.  How does overprotection affect a child's emotional and social development in the long term?

These children grow up believing that they aren’t able to protect themselves, and they suffer from believing that they can't manage on their own and never will. This leads to dependence, to believing that they are the centre of the world, and that the rest of the world is responsible for their happiness. They are often unaccustomed to hearing the word "no," they struggle with frustration and have difficulty trusting others or themselves. Although their behaviour may appear to be demanding and capricious, deep down, they have very low self-esteem and are very fearful. This is logical, because overprotection is essentially educating with fear.

5.  What resources or strategies do you recommend to foster autonomy in children from an early age?

First, don’t try to remove all of the obstacles from their path; our job is to accompany children so they can face and overcome the small daily challenges they encounter, encouraging them and praising their bravery each time they do.

Second, at home, there are no kings or queens—just a team working together so that every family member feels happy, safe, and free to be who they really are. Validate who you are and what you feel, recognising that a 4-year-old also has responsibilities.

Third, give them opportunities. I remember a 6-year-old girl, Valeria, who excitedly told us, "I’m braver than I thought!" During a trip to La Granja, she realised she could do a lot of things that had previously been off-limits. It's important, whether you're 6, 10, 20, or 40 years old, to know that you are strong and capable of doing more than you think.

6.  Currently, a very high percentage of parents tend to be overprotective with their children. However, most of these parents were raised with much greater freedom, a strong sense of independence, autonomy, and trust from their own parents. What accounts for this paradox?

Fear. When we have a child of our own, we are overwhelmed by all the fears in the world—fear that they won’t be happy, won’t have friends, will be frustrated, won’t achieve what they want, that they’ll miss us when they go to camp, that they won’t like the food... But at that moment, we have to ask ourselves an important question: who do you want to educate your child—your fear, or you?

I always say there are only two types of parents: those who prepare the way for their children, and those who prepare their children for the way. You choose.

To register for the conference, which will be held in the Caxton College theatre on 27 February 2025 at 5:30pm, click here.